It's important to help your child through each stage of grief... Denial and Isolation; Anger; Bargaining; Depression; and Acceptance. For adults, these stages actually may be experienced simultaneously, appear in a different order, or some may be skipped all together. For children, the stages of grief may be even less clear, because their understanding differs from adults. However, never assume that a child is too old or too young to grieve.
Grief is a process, not an event. It takes time. To help your children grieve in a healthy way, be honest about your own sorrow, and don’t try to hide it. This will help your children feel less alone. NEVER tell children how they should feel. It may help to explain that when we really love someone, even though we are separated by death, our loved ones never really go away because we always have loving memories.
The emotional reaction to the death of a pet will depend on the degree of the child’s involvement with the animal and the child's age. Take the time to find out what each child is experiencing by asking specific questions about their thoughts and feelings. Don’t assume that you know. You can help your child to celebrate the life and good memories of your pet by looking through photo albums to remind them of special stories and funny memories. Both a good laugh and a good cry can be therapeutic. Children (and adults) can often benefit from some kind of ritual or ceremony. The pet, or its ashes, can be buried or scattered. If your pet is cremated, you can scatter some wildflower seeds along with the ashes and create a memorial garden, giving the child a place to visit to remember their lost friend.. Some children may want to bury the pet with a beloved toy, or with a note they have written. Or, some children will prefer to keep these things for themselves as reminders of good times. There are no rights or wrongs.
Very young children are not likely to have an understanding of death. They should be told that their pet has died and will not return. They should be reassured that it has nothing to do with what they have said or done.
NEVER use the phrase, “put to sleep.” Young children can misinterpret this phrase and they can develop fears of bedtime. Similarly, suggesting to a child that “God has taken” the pet can cause the child to become angry at the higher power and create conflict and confusion in the child.
Children perceive the world through their senses. They may miss different things about your pet than you would expect, such as smell, sound, or tactile sensations. When talking to your children, you do not have to add a lot of details. Children may ask questions repetitively. Do not feel that you need to say more each time. Their searching is part of the grieving process. Simply answer the questions, repeatedly if needed. If they want to know more, they will ask. You can tell if a child is really listening or just appearing to listen for your benefit.
Teenagers tend to react to the loss of a pet similarly to adults. At times this can include an absence of display of emotion, but it does not mean that your teen is not experiencing grief.
Losing a pet can be an emotionally draining and overwhelming experience for the whole family. The most basic rules of thumb for helping your child deal with grief are being honest and open and not hiding your own sadness, not telling children how to feel, answering questions simply and honestly, and repeatedly if needed, avoiding euphemisms such as “put to sleep;” and allowing each child to grieve in his or her own way.
This group is a great source of comfort if you feel that you need any extra support following the loss of your dog.
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