EVERYTHING you need to know about dogs: Funny

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Dog's Rules

Welcome to my home....Please read the dog rules before coming in!

A dog's prayer

Dear God,

Here is a list of a few of the things I must remember to be a good dog....

You know you're a dog person when.....

You have a kiddie paddling pool in the garden but no small children
Lintwheels are on your shopping list every week.
Your freezer containes more dog bones than anything.
You hang around the dog section of your local bookstore way too often.
Your non-dog friends won't eat food prepared in your kitchen.
Your parents refer to your pet as their "grand-dog."
You have baby gates permanently installed at strategic places around the house but no babies.
You open your purse and that big bunch of baggies you use for pick-up pops out .
You skip breakfast so you can walk your dog in the morning before work.
The trash basket is more or less permanently installed in the kitchen sink, to keep the dog out of it while you're at work.
You can't see out the passenger side of the windshield because there are dog nose prints all over the inside.
You don't go to happy hours with co-workers anymore because you need to go home and walk your dog.
You don't think it's the least bit strange to stand in the back yard chirping "Molly, Pee!" over and over at your dog who tends to play and forget what she's our there for.
You go to the pet supply store every Saturday because it's one of the very few places that lets you bring your dog inside, and the dog loves to go with you.
You get an extra long hose on your shower massage just so you can use it to wash the dog in the tub, without making the dog sit hip deep in water.
You and the dog come down with something flu like on the same day. The dog sees the vet while you settle for an over the counter remedy from the drug store.
You not only have dog toys strewn about, but your guests also have to be careful not to trip on the dog jumps. (well we gotta exercise them in the winter somehow)
Your weekend activities are planned around taking your dog for a hike.
You refer to yourself as "mommy" and "daddy".
Your dog sleeps with you.
You'd rather stay home on Saturday night and cuddle your doggies than go to the movies with your sweetie.
You keep an extra water dish in your second-floor bedroom, in case your dog gets thirsty at night.
You avoid vacuuming the house as long as possible because the dogs are afraid of the brain-sucker.
When your dog is getting old and arthritic, and you go buy lumber and build it a small staircase so it can climb onto the bed by itself.
You shovel a zig-zag path in the back yard snow so your dog can reach all of his favorite places.
Your have 32 different names for your dogs. Most make no sense but they understand.
Your dog eats cat poop but you still let him/her kiss you (but not immediately after, of course)
You never completely finish a piece of steak or chicken so the dog gets some too.
Poop has become a source of conversation for you and your significant other.
You are the only idiot walking in the pouring rain because your dog needs his walk.
You send birthday, anniversary and Christmas cards from your dog.
You like people who like your dogs. You despise people who don't.
You lecture people on responsible dog ownership every chance you get.
You keep eating even though you find a dog hair in your pasta.
You carry dog biscuits in your pockets all the time.
You make popcorn just so you can play catch with your dog.
You talk about your dogs like other people talk about their kids.
You have your dog pictures on your office desk. (but no one else's).
Your license plate or license plate frame mentions your dogs.
You match your furniture, carpet and clothes to your dog.

The American Bloodhound Club Bulletin Spring 1996

Doggy pledge

I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

I will not burn rubber through the open car window and into the fast food restaurant, no matter how good it smells.

The computer's mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will scootch my bottom along the grass to rid myself of hangers-on.

I will not steal used sanitary napkins from the bathroom garbage.

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

I will not eat other animals' poop.

I will not roll my head around in other animals' poop.

"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.

I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.

I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.

I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

I will not chew crayons or pens, 'specially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

I will not play tug-o'-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house

I will not awaken the sleeping cat and chase him all over the house.

I will not stand immobile in front of the TV when Mom and Dad want to change the channel with the remote.

I will not steal the remote and hide it.

I will not stand in front of the TV when the winning touchdown is being scored.

I will not drop large toys in the toilet.

I will not pre-clean the dishes when they are being put into the dishwasher

I will not taste-test window sills and molding

I will not bring dead playthings in the house

I will not drink out of mom's glass, or steal her ice cubes, if left in reach (which is just about anywhere)

I will keep my nose out of the "automatic ice dispenser"

I will not give "drive by" kisses to those I don't know intimately

I will stop eating the shoes of those who love me

I will not steal shoelaces that are still "in use"

I will stop dining under the rabbit's run

Basic rules for dogs

Newspapers: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.

Visitors: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.

Barking: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark...

Licking: Always take a big drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.

Holes: Rather than digging a big hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

Doors: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

The Art of Sniffing: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

Dining Etiquette: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

Housebreaking: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

Going for Walks: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

Couches: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.

Playing: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.

Chasing Cats: When chasing cats, make sure you never--quite--catch them. It spoils all the fun.

Chewing: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe.

Author Unknown

Dog rules that all owners must follow!

1. The dog is NOT allowed in the house.

2. OK, the dog IS allowed in the house, but ONLY in certain rooms.

3. The dog is allowed in ALL rooms, but must stay off the furniture.

4. The dog can get on the OLD furniture ONLY.

5. FINE, the dog is allowed on ALL the furniture, but he is NOT allowed to sleep with the humans

on the bed.

6. The dog CAN sleep on the bed, but NOT under the covers.

7. The dog CAN sleep under the covers by invitation ONLY.

8. The dog CAN sleep under the covers EVERY NIGHT.

9. Humans MUST ASK permission to sleep under the COVERS with the dog!

Oh yum!!

Why dogs are better than women

Dogs don't shop.

Dogs don't cry.

Dogs love it when your friends come over.

Dogs think you sing great.

A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.

The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

Dogs never need to examine the relationship.

A dog's parents never visit.

Dogs understand that instinct is better than asking for directions.

Dogs don't hate their bodies.

It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.

Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.

Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet,

desk, and the back of your sock drawer.

Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

Dogs don't borrow your shirts.

Dogs never lobby for foot-rubs.

Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

HOW DOGS AND WOMEN ARE ALIKE

Both usually look stupid in hats.

Both tend to have problems with their hips.

Both look good in fur.

Neither realizes that silence is golden.

Both constantly want back rubs.

You can never tell what either of them is thinking.

They both overvalue kissing.

HOW WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS

It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.

Ten Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Than Kids

10. Dogs don't like Barney.

9. Never borrows the car and wrecks it.

8. Doesn't notice if your clothes are dorky and your hairstyle

is from the 50's

7. Won't grow up to blame you for sending them into years of therapy

6. Won't tie up the phone for hours

5. Cute little puppies grow up to be dogs. Cute little babies

grow up to be teenagers.

4. You can give them dippy names.

3. They never criticize your cooking.

2. Nothing you do can gross them out.

1. You can bury a dog in the backyard, no questions asked.

Doggy poem - Author unknown

I lie belly-up

In the sunshine, happier than

You ever will be.

Today I sniffed

Many dog butts—I celebrate

By kissing your face.

I sound the alarm!

Paperboy—come to kill us all —

Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!

Garbage man—come to kill us all —

Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I lift my leg and

Whiz on each bush. Hello, Spot—

Sniff this and weep.

I Hate my choke chain—

Look, world, they strangle me! Ack

Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!

Sleeping here, my chin

On your foot—no greater bliss—well,

Maybe catching cats.

Look in my eyes and

Deny it. No human could

Love you as much as I do.

Dogs have owners, cats have staff

Nine things dogs don't understand

1. It's not a laugh to practice barking at 3a.m.

2. It's wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her.

3. He shouldn't jump on your bed when he's sopping wet.

4. The cats have every right to be in the living room.

5. Barking at guests 10 minutes after they arrive is stupid

6. Getting up does NOT mean we are going for a walk

7. Just because I'm eating, doesn't mean you can.

8. If you look at me with those big soppy eyes, I'm not going to give in and feed you. NOT NOT NOT. Oh, ok, just this once.

9. No, it's my food....Oh alright then, just a small piece.

Wandering Dog

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

How many dogs does it take to change a lightbulb

Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie:
The Border Collie realized the bulb wasn't the problem, and is in the basement re-setting the breaker.

Dachshund:
You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler:
Make me.

Lab:
Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute:
Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Jack Russell Terrier:
I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Poodle:
I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Cocker Spaniel:
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher:
While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Boxer:
Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Mastiff:
Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Chihuahua:
Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Irish Wolfhound:
Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover.

Pointer:
I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.

Greyhound:
It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd:
First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…

Old English Sheep Dog:
Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?

German Shepard:
Alright, everyone stop where you are! Who busted the light? I SAID, "STOP WHERE YOU ARE!!!"
Hound Dog:
ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz

Cat:
Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?

Doggy Dictionary

LEASH: A strap that attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: A liquid that, when combined with sad eyes, forces humans to give you their food. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and get drool on the human.

SNIFF: A social custom used to greet other dogs, similar to the human exchange of business cards.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards. The person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes and old candy wrappers. It is important to evenly distribute its contents throughout the house before your person comes home.

BATH: If you find something especially good to roll in, humans get jealous and they use this degrading form of torture to get even. Be sure to shake only when next to a person or a piece of furniture.

LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit!" especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the regular bump doesn't get the attention you require...especially effective when combined with the sniff. See above.

CHILDREN: Short humans of optimal petting height. Standing close to one assures some good petting. When running, they are good to chase. If they fall down, they are comfortable to sit on.

LOVE: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.

To God, from the dog

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the "Chrysler Beagle"?

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.

1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.

3. The litter box is not a cookie jar.

4. The sofa is not a ”face towel.”
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello."

8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.

9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house—not after.

10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.

11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.

12. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?

30 reasons men would rather have a dog than a wife

1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
5. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
7. A dog's parents never visit.
8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
9. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
11. Dogs seldom outlive you.
12. Dogs can't talk.
13. Dogs enjoy petting in public.
14. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24-hours a day.
15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
16. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
17. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you.
19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died would you get another dog?"
20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free.
21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just think it's interesting.
25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
27. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
28. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
29. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.
And last........ but not least:
30. If a dog leaves, it won't take half your sh*t!

Dog Rules